Birthday entry

Bangalore
14-07-2008

How does one get one’s self free of 25 years of learned fear?
a fear that managed to drive Wynand go the Toohey way… Or is it that Wynand would never have gone the Toohey way?
What happens when Roark chooses to go the Ellsworth Toohey way and realizes after a quarter century of his life that he has done a mistake??
What happens to him after that?
Can he start again?
Can he find someone who can ask him to hold onto faith like Roark asked Gail Wynand? Even if he has would he allow himself to listen and believe? What happens to one who has spent his life dedicating it to “swell”?? Worse still what if that swell itself had been the illusion of being Howard Roark,Dagny Taggart,John Galt,Francisco d’Anconia??, while in reality he had just been an Ellsworth Toohey,Peter Keating,Robert Ferris or worse State science Institute??
Can he allow himself to start afresh with the innocence of a newborn?
Forgetting all the ways of Tooheys of the world????????????????????????????

Two roads diverge before me…………
In all previous cases i have taken the one less travelled by……….
This time wanna choose the one that would lead to pure painless ecstasy……..
Suggestions anyone……… Know the one that leads to smooth content life under fear………….

Is it because i haven’t had the courage to stand by the ideas i generated?? Or i cheated myself into believing and convincing to believe mediocrity for greatness?? Or better stopped at the first step to greatness and was happy that i am a step higher than others?? I did place go the self-less way, only in a slightly different manner??
No that is too much simplification…………. I have always insisted on standing my own legs, even when i was considered too young to think in those terms………… But then even the only soul who understood that(English teacher) asked me to earn a lot and settle down…….. So even then i was misunderstood………… I could never settle down even if i own the world, the universe and everything………………. Or atleast that is what i thought at that moment, thoughnot in so clear words………. But now there is a tiredness where is the origin for this tiredness???? Why does it have to hit me now when I can’t afford it and when I need my energy level at its highest……..???? all the sighs and huffs and puffs……….. where does this road go???////
Yengae sellum intha pathai……… yaaro yevaro arivaaro??
Yengaengo kaalgal sellum paathaiyil pogindrar…………….

On the other hand, Why do I even bother to go about all these philosophizing… if i am doing what i believe in…………. fine what is the point in wasting almost 2 years completely in introspection and philosophising and hypothesising………. addiction?? escape?? Escape from reality?? Addiction to what?? abstraction as a means of escape??

What did i mean when i said at 13 that my ambition was to be a scientist………. the only motive i can remember is one of being different, but then why scientist………. did i identify the thrill of taking apart things and seeing what makes them tick or did i need the thrill of putting a few pipes together to make it look like a “machine-gun”????(Actually what i thought a machine gun, but turned out it was more on the lines of an SLR and not even close to resembling a LMG,besides the point here anyway)

The most disturbing fact for me being I have turned into one who expects to be wished on his birthday (as if it was an achievement to manage to live another year) from one who used to ask what have i done till now to celebrate a birthday?? I guess i enjoyed the second me better… and to boot can’t place the when and how this change of tide happened?? Can’t really remember it……………………………………..
Interestingly enough i guess it coincides with thinking/abstraction becoming a mask…….. Judgement and action seem to have long lost,,,, Feeling and thinking look like the prime time preoccupations and seem to be eating me from within…………………… :-D

The biggest irony of all of this being the fact that i write all this as if i am observing somebody else and reporting his struggle.Or is it my biggest gift and the source of my survival/trouble this far???

“A man’s spirit is his self. That entity which is his Consciousness.To think,to feel,to judge,to act are functions of the ego.” –Howard Roark.

Guess that is enough rambling for celebrating the completion of 25 years on earth…………. though technically haven’t completed 25 years at the moment of writing this( you see i was born at 7.20 AM and still 3 hrs and 9 mins to go for that.:-P)

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